Falling in Love, Over a Cup of Coffee

     Today's V-Day, the best or worst day of the year, depending on the current state of your love life (or lack thereof). To be honest I forgot about it,  because really, if you love someone you better love them every damn day.

     Anyway, I've always thought of a coffee shop as a perfect spot to fall in love. You know? Such a romantic atmosphere... the dim lights, some old guy with a mustache puffing a cigar and reading a newspaper, (alright, maybe not smoking because you can't smoke in most American coffee shops, but he might as well be for the sake of the imagery, okay?) and then you spot him/her across the room, skimming a book and sipping a cappuccino, and you flash those seductive coffee shop eyes at him/her while you wait for your coffee, and he/she gets up to refill his or her water, or add some sugar to his or her coffee, because it's suddenly not sweet enough, and one of you says "hello" and voila, love is born.

     So if you're lonely and looking to fall in love, just hang out in a coffee shop, looking as attractive, single and lonely as possible. Just be careful to pick the right coffee shop, because the quality of coffee directly correlates to the quality of people consuming it. For instance, Starbucks sacrificed standards for speed (I'm sorry, efficiency), perfect if you're just lookin' for a quickie--a disposable boy to go with a disposable cuppa joe. But if you're looking for a quality boy or girl... go to a place that serves quality coffee. Easy right? I should give professional dating advice... 
     Anyway, it's V-day, so whoever you've had your eye on, do something about it, boys and girls. Baristas, write your numbers on that regular's coffee cup. Cashiers, roll up a receipt-paper rose for that cute new busboy. Do something, I dare you, because people live longer when they're in love (that's a real fact... crazy right? I learned that in Communications yesterday), because when it comes down to it, who doesn't want to have someone to bring them a steamy cup of coffee in bed every morning for the rest of their life? Or hot chocolate, or tea, or whatever... a big fat, hot, steamy cup of love.

     But if you do decide to do something, just be careful what you say. One wrong word and you'll blow it, just like Betty and Bill. The following is a love story, a how-we-met story that occurs in  coffee shop. I didn't write it, David Ives did, but it's awesome and hilarious and clever as hell, and you'll love it, I promise... so here it is:

SURE THING

by David Ives

SETTING: A café table, with a couple of chairs.

Betty, reading at the table. An empty chair opposite her. Bill enters.

Bill: Excuse me. Is this chair taken?

Betty: Excuse me?

Bill: Is this taken?

Betty: Yes it is.

Bill: Oh. Sorry.

Betty: Sure thing. (A bell rings softly)

Bill: Excuse me. Is this chair taken?

Betty: Excuse me?

Bill: Is this taken?

Betty: No, but I'm expecting somebody in a minute.

Bill: Oh. Thanks anyway.

Betty: Sure thing. (A bell rings softly)

Bill: Excuse me. Is this chair taken?

Betty: No, but I'm expecting somebody very shortly.

Bill: Would you mind if I sit here till he or she comes?

Betty (glances at her watch): They seem to be pretty late.....

Bill: You never know who you might be turning down.

Betty: Sorry. Nice try, though.

Bill: Sure thing. (Bell)

Bill: Is this seat taken?

Betty: No it's not.

Bill: Would you mind if I sit here?

Betty: Yes I would.

Bill: Oh. (Bell)

Bill: Is this chair taken?

Betty: No it's not.

Bill: Would you mind if I sit here?

Betty: No. Go ahead.

Bill: Thanks. (He sits. She continues reading.) Everyplace else seems to be taken.

Betty: Mm-hm.

Bill: Great place.

Betty: Mm-hm.

Bill: What's the book?

Betty: I just wanted to read in quiet, if you don't mind.

Bill: No, sure thing. (Bell)

Bill: Everyplace else seems to be taken.

Betty: Mm-hm.

Bill: Great place for reading.

Betty: Yes, I like it.

Bill: What's the book?

Betty: The Sound and the Fury.

Bill: Oh, Hemingway. (Bell)

Bill: What's the book?

Betty: The Sound and the Fury.

Bill: Oh. Faulkner.

Betty: Have you read it?

Bill: Not ... actually. I've sure read about ... it though. It's supposed to be great.

Betty: It is great.

Bill: I hear it's great. (Small pause.) Waiter? (Bell)

Bill: What's the book?

Betty: The Sound and the Fury.

Bill: Oh. Faulkner.

Betty: Have you read it?

Bill: I'm a Mets fan, myself. (Bell)

Betty: Have you read it?

Bill: Yeah, I read it in college.

Betty: Where was college?

Bill: I went to Oral Roberts University. (Bell)

Betty: Where was college?

Bill: I was lying. I never really went to college. I just like to party. (Bell)

Betty: Where was college?

Bill: Harvard.

Betty: Do you like Faulkner?

Bill: I love Faulkner. I spent a while winter reading him once.

Betty: I've just started.

Bill: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote. One of the greatest reading experiences of my life. I mean, all that incredible psychological understanding. Page after page of gorgeous prose. His profound grasp of the mystery of time and human existence. The smells of the earth ... What do you think?

Betty: I think it's pretty boring. (Bell)

Bill: What's the book?

Betty: The Sound and the Fury.

Bill: Oh! Faulkner!

Betty: Do you like Faulkner?

Bill: I love Faulkner.

Betty: He's incredible.

Bill: I spent a whole winter reading him once.

Betty: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote.

Bill: All that incredible psychological understanding.-

Betty: And the prose is so gorgeous.

Bill: And the way he's grasped the mystery of time 

Betty: and human existence. I can't believe I've waited this long to read him.

Bill: You never know. You might not have liked him before.

Betty: That's true.

Bill: You might not have been ready for him. You have to hit these things at the right moment or it's no good.

Betty: That's happening to me.

Bill: It's all in the timing. (Small pause.) My name's Bill, by the way.

Betty: I'm Betty.

Bill: Hi.

Betty: Hi. (Small pause.)

Bill: Yes I thought reading Faulkner was ... a great experience.

Betty: Yes. (Small pause.)

Bill: The Sound and the Fury ... (Another small pause.)

Betty: Well. Onwards and upwards. (She goes back to her book.)

Bill: Waiter ? (Bell)

Bill: You have to hit these things at the right moment or it's no good.

Betty: That's happened to me.

Bill: It's all in the timing. My name's Bill, by the way.

Betty: I'm Betty.

Bill: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

Bill: Do you come in here a lot?

Betty: Actually I'm just in town for two days from Pakistan.

Bill: Oh, Pakistan. (Bell)

Bill: My name's Bill, by the way.

Betty: I'm Betty.

Bill: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

Bill: Do you come here a lot?

Betty: Every once in a while. Do you?

Bill: Not much anymore. Not as much as I used to. Before my nervous breakdown. (Bell)

Bill: Do you come in here a lot?

Betty: Why are you asking?

Bill: Just interested.

Betty: Are you really interested, or do you just want to pick me up?

Bill: No, I'm really interested.

Betty: Why would you be interested in whether I come in here a lot?

Bill: Just ... getting acquainted.

Betty: Maybe you're only interested for the sake of making small talk long enough to ask me back to your place to listen to some music, or because you've just rented some great tape for your VCR, or because you've got some terrific unknown Django Reinhardt record, only all you'll really want to do is fuck which you won't do very well after which you'll go into the bathroom and pee very loudly, then pad into the kitchen and get yourself a beer from the refrigerator without asking me whether I'd like anything, and then you'll proceed to lie back down beside me and confess that you've got a girlfriend named Stephanie who's away at medical school in Belgium for a year, and that you've been involved with her off and on in what you'll call a very "intricate" relationship, for about seven YEARS. None of which interests me, mister!

Bill: Okay. (Bell)

Bill: Do you come in here a lot?

Betty: Every other day I think.

Bill: I come in here quite a lot and I don't remember seeing you.

Betty: I guess we must be on different schedules.

Bill: Missed connections.

Betty: Yes. Different time zones.

Bill: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it.

Betty: I know.

Bill: City life.

Betty: It's crazy.

Bill: We probably pass each other in the street every day. Right in front of this place, probably.

Betty: Yep.

Bill (looks around): Well, the waiters here sure seem to be in some different time zone. I can't seem to locate one anywhere ... Waiter! (He looks back.) So what do you (He sees that she's gone back to her book.)

Betty: I beg pardon?

Bill: Nothing. Sorry. (Bell)

Betty: I guess we must be on different schedules.

Bill: Missed connections.

Betty: Yes. Different time zones.

Bill: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it.

Betty: I know.

Bill: City life.

Betty: It's crazy.

Bill: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?

Betty: Actually, I was.

Bill: Oh. Boyfriend?

Betty: Sort of.

Bill: What's a sort-of boyfriend?

Betty: My husband.

Bill: Ah-ha. (Bell)

Bill: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?

Betty: Actually, I was.

Bill: Oh. Boyfriend?

Betty: Sort of.

Bill: What's a sort-of boyfriend?

Betty: We were meeting here to break up.

Bill: Mm-hm ... (Bell)

Bill: What's a sort-of boyfriend?

Betty: My lover. Here she comes right now! (Bell)

Bill: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?

Betty: No, just reading.

Bill: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn't it? Reading here, all by yourself?

Betty: Do you think so?

Bill: Well sure. I mean, what's a good-looking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night?

Betty: Trying to keep away from lines like that.

Bill: No, listen (Bell)

Bill: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?

Betty: No, just reading.

Bill: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn't it? Reading here all by yourself?

Betty: I guess it is, in a way.

Bill: What's a good-looking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night anyway? No offense, but ...

Betty: I'm out alone on a Friday night for the first time in a very long time.

Bill: Oh.

Betty: You see, I just recently ended a relationship.

Bill: Oh.

Betty: Of rather long standing.

Bill: I'm sorry (Small pause.) Well listen, since reading by yourself is such a sad occupation for a Friday night, would you like to go elsewhere?

Betty: No ...

Bill: Do something else?

Betty: No thanks.

Bill: I was headed out to the movies in a while anyway.

Betty: I don't think so.

Bill: Big chance to let Faulkner catch his breath. All those long sentences get him pretty tired.

Betty: Thanks anyway.

Bill: Okay.

Betty: I appreciate the invitation.

Bill: Sure thing. (Bell)

Bill: You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?

Betty: No, just reading.

Bill: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn't it? Reading here all by yourself?

Betty: I guess I was trying to think of it as existentially romantic. You know cappuccino, great literature, rainy night ...

Bill: That only works in Paris. We could hop the late plane to Paris. Get on a Concorde. Find a café...

Betty: I'm a little short of plane fare tonight.

Bill: Damn it, so am I.

Betty: To tell you the truth, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come along? Since you can't locate a waiter?

Bill: That's a very nice offer but ...

Betty: Uh-huh. Girlfriend?

Bill: No, I don't have a girlfriend. Not if you mean the castrating bitch I dumped last night. (Bell)

Betty: Girlfriend?

Bill: Sort of. Sort of.

Betty: What's a sort-of girlfriend?

Bill: My mother. (Bell)

Bill: I just ended a relationship, actually.

Betty: Oh.

Bill: Of rather long standing.

Betty: I'm sorry to hear it.

Bill: This is my first night out alone in a long time. I feel a little bit at sea, to tell you the truth.

Betty: So you didn't stop to talk because you're a Moonie, or you have some weird political affiliation ?

Bill: Nope. Straight-down-the-ticket Republican. (Bell) Straight-down-the-ticket Democrat. (Bell) Can I tell you something about politics? (Bell) I like to think of myself as a citizen of the universe. (Bell) I'm unaffiliated.

Betty: That's a relief. So am I.

Bill: I vote my beliefs.

Betty: Labels are not important.

Bill: Labels are not important, exactly. Like me, for example. I mean, what does it matter if I had a two-point at (bell) three-point at --(bell)-- four-point at college, or if I did come from Pittsburgh --(bell)-- Cleveland --(bell)-- Westchester County?

Betty: Sure.

Bill: I believe a man is what he is. (Bell) A person is what he is. (Bell) A person is ... what they are.

Betty: I think so too.

Bill: So what if I admire Trotsky? (Bell) So what if I once had a total-body liposuction? (Bell) So what if I don't have a penis? (Bell) SO what if I once spent a year in the Peace Corps? I was acting on my convictions.

Betty: Sure.

Bill: You can't just hang a sign on a person.

Betty: Absolutely. I'll bet you're a Scorpio. (Many bells ring) Listen, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come along?

Bill: That sounds like fun. What's playing?

Betty: A couple of the really early Woody Allen movies.

Bill: Oh.

Betty: Don't you like Woody Allen?

Bill: Sure. I like Woody Allen.

Betty: But you're not crazy about Woody Allen.

Bill: Those early ones kind of get on my nerves.

Betty: Uh-huh. (Bell)

simultaneously

Bill: Y'know I was headed to the Betty: I was thinking about 

Bill: I'm sorry.

Betty: No, go ahead.

Bill: I was going to say that I was headed to the movies in a little while, and ...

Betty: So was I.

Bill: The Woody Allen festival?

Betty: Just up the street.

Bill: Do you like the early ones?

Betty: I think anybody who doesn't ought to be run off the planet.

Bill: How many times have you seen Bananas?

Betty: Eight times.

Bill: Twelve. So are you still interested? (Long pause.)

Betty: Do you like Entenmann's crumb cake ...?

Bill: Last night I went out at two in the morning to get one. (Small pause.) Did you have an Etch-a-Sketch as a child?

Betty: Yes! And do you like Brussels sprouts? (Small pause.)

Bill: I think they're gross.

Betty: They are gross!

Bill: Do you still believe in marriage in spite of current sentiments against it?

Betty: Yes.

Bill: And children?

Betty: Three of them.

Bill: Two girls and a boy.

Betty: Harvard, Vassar, and Brown.

Bill: And will you love me?

Betty: Yes.

Bill: And cherish me forever?

Betty: Yes.

Bill: Do you still want to go to the movies?

Betty: Sure thing.

Bill and Betty (together): Waiter!

(Blackout.)