Tea-juana

            Teavana is advertising on my blog. Ha! Little do they know…

            I used to work for Teavana—at the Stanford store. However, I am now a sworn enemy. I won’t get into it too much, let’s just say I disagreed with the sales process. Very aggressive sales. Teavana sets a million traps to try to reel you in.

            Don’t be fooled by the dramatic names of all the teas… The so-called Jasmine Dragon Pheonix Pearls Teavana advertises—get the same Jasmine pearls in the nearest Chinatown for a tenth what you’d pay at Teavana—I promise. Teavana’s over here trying to sell you 2 ounces of Silver Yin Zhen Something for $22, except they’re selling it by the tin, which contains a good twenty ounces, and as the salesperson tops off the tin, they tell you one pound gets you a ten percent discount, reducing your total to only $396! Honestly, no one coming in the store has the slightest inclination of dropping over a hundred dollars on some Dragon Pheonix Pellet Tea. They just come for the free samples.

            And don’t be fooled by the Monkey Picked Oolong either. It was by no means picked by a monkey. Golden Monkey as far as I know has nothing to do with monkeys either, and, no, Teavana has not cultivated its own new species of magical berries—Youth-berry, Wonder-berry, Imperial Acai berry. I know acai berries are real, but I assure you they are by no means “imperial.” You will notice many of the other teas claim to be Imperial as well. Not to mention Emperor’s Cloud & Mist, a name which fails to describe the tea effectively in any way, except perhaps subtly attempt to justify the ridiculousness of its price.

            Lastly, let me tell you, whatever health benefits the tealeaves claim to possess have long been diluted by all the chunks of dried fruit, nuts and chocolate—yes, chocolate—that by the way all the employees pick out and eat throughout the day. Especially the “Yum”-berries (yet another made up name).
              Take this “tea” for instance: “Wonderberry ChocolateTruffle Oolong.” The Teavana salesperson will, I promise you, suggest Oolong tea for its slimming abilities. Does chocolate-truffle-oolong-tea sound slimming to you? Delicious, yes. But slimming? Just look at the picture. Click on it, look at it close up. There’s about 75% chunks of chocolate, 20% miscellaneous dried fruits and berries, petals possibly, and tops about 5% actual Oolong tea leaves. Weight-loss-tea my ass. And that’s about how it goes for all their “infusions”—you might as well steep potpourri.

But if by some terrible chance you do find yourself in Teavana, order the following: [left to right] Honeybush Vanilla, Maharaja Chai & Samurai Chai Maté blend, White Ayurvedic Chai