Obscure Coffee Terminology

There will be a quiz, so take notes. (And yes, you will be graded on spelling.)

ESPRESSO DRINKS & TERMINOLOGY:
Espresso: Notice, there is no 'x' in espresso. If you're new to coffee this may just blow your mind. Espresso refers to the extraction method, invented in Italy at the turn of the century, which involves forcing highly pressurized very hot water, through much finer grinds that drip coffee, at a very precise rate. This process, if done right, allows the beans to reach full creamy delectable potential.
Espresso Ristretto: Strongest, most concentrated espresso extraction (literally "restricted" in Italian), resulting in 3/4-1 ounce of espresso per (single) shot, which is considerably shorter than the traditional pull/draw

Espresso Crema: If you don't see a thick creamy caramel crema atop your espresso (as seen to the right), you got a shitty shot. Or else, you left it sitting too long, and the crema dissolved/evaporated. If you're on bar, always make sure your bussers run the tiny drinks first, because if you let espresso sit, it will go flat. It's best in the first, like, thirty seconds. Best you wait right next to the barista to retrieve your espresso instantly.
Espresso con Panna: A shot of espresso topped with whipped cream
Espresso Macchiato: A shot of espresso topped with a dollop of foam
Latte Macchiato: As seen to the left, the same as a latte (see below) but with a floated shot--so instead of pouring your milk over the shot, you'd pull your shot into a cup of steamed milk. It looks neat in a lear glass, but doesn't allow for a fancy leaf design.
(Café) Mocha: A double shot of espresso over chocolate, mixed with steamed milk
(Caffè) Latte: A double shot of espresso, plus steamed milk, and topped with a quarter inch or so of foam
Caffè Amaretto: Latte with almond syrup
Café Con Leche: Double shot of espresso, plus about 8 oz. of hot milk
Café au Lait: Half drip coffee, half steamed (foamy) milk
(Caffè) Americano: A double shot of espresso diluted with hot water. About equal in strength to a cup of drip coffee, except better, because of the crema.
Cafe Noir: French for Black Coffee, which is simply drip coffee with no cream or milk.
Cappuccino: Traditionally 1/3 espresso (2 oz.), 1/3 steamed milk (2 oz.), 1/3 foam (2 oz.) This makes for a pretty tiny drink, except in the US they come in 12, 16, even 20 ounces, thanks to Starbucks, who ridiculously calls this size venti, Italian for twenty ounces, as though anyone in Italy would ever order such a colossal cappuccino. By the way, a "large cappuccino" and a "foamy latte" are the same exact thing as far as your barista is concerned. Stop trying to sound like you know what you're taking about. Anyway, drinks like cappuccinos and macchiatos that people order for the sake of their foam, really need to be run to their tables right away, just like espresso. Because foam evaporates into this crazy sponge-like consistency after a minute.
Gibraltar: 5 oz. beverage served in a glass, 2 oz. espresso, 3 oz. foamy milk, typically under 120 degrees. (See image to the right)
Red-Eye/Depth-Charge: Drip coffee with a shot of espresso. Technically, I'm pretty sure a depth-charge refers to a beer with a shot of Jack. A customer told me that once, anyway.
Dirty Chai: Chai latte with a shot of espresso
CHILLED DRINKS:
Coffee Granita: Shaved ice made from frozen milk, sugar and espresso.
Caffè Freddo: Espresso over ice; chilled espresso

DRINK MODIFICATIONS:
Wet: Very little foam, if any at all. Usually people just say no foam if they want no foam whatsoever, but I usually ask just to clarify, whether they want very little or none at all.
Dry: Mostly, or all foam. In the case of a latte, dry just means extra foam, but in the case of a cappuccino, it usually means all foam, no milk at all, in which case the barista scoops the foam instead of free pouring it.
Bone Dry: Super dry. And make sure you get it right, because if your customer's picky enough to order it bone dry, they're likely to complain. Trust me, I know.
Skinny: Skim, nonfat milk
Breve: Half and half, instead of milk... if you dare.
Long or Short Pull: Refers to how long the shot is pulled, and how much water is pulled through it. The standard shot is between 18 and 25 seconds. Some people prefer a stronger short pulled, no longer than ten, twelve or fifteen seconds (which is like, one drop, by the way), and others prefer a shot pulled up to forty-five seconds, or even a minute, but it just tastes watered down to me. Long pulls often occur if you're working a manual machine (your shots aren't automatically times) and you walk away and forget you're pulling a shot, which I've done more than a few times.
Single, Double, Triple, or Quad Shot: Refers, obviously, to how many shots someone wants. Single (solo), and double (doppio) are most common. Don't get a triple or quad unless you're really sleep-deprived or hung over. Over-caffeinating can kill, I'm pretty sure...
Split/Half-Caf: Half decaf, half regular. I've seen a lot of baristas pack one portafilter regular, and another one completely decaf, and then take a single shot from each to make a double-shot half-caf drink. This is ridiculous and insane! It's also a waste of time and beans. Instead, take one portafilter, fill it halfway with decaf grinds, and half with regular. Voila. It's common sense, guys.

COFFEE BEANS:
Robusta Beans: More common, highly caffeinated family of coffee bean. Flavor is harsher than the Arabica bean, not nearly as sought-after.
Arabica Beans: Less caffeinated, less acidic strand of coffee, generally considered to produce a superior bean
Espresso Beans: Again, espresso refers to the extraction process, not the bean. However, many roasters classify certain beans as espresso because they are roasted specifically to be used for espresso.
Decaf Beans: Decaf beans do not come from a decaf coffee plant, there is no such thing. All coffee beans come caffeinated, and the caffeine may later be extracted, using the Swiss Water Process, and the caffeine removed is then used to make things such as aspirin. Weird right?
Hard Bean: Grown at relatively high altitude (4000-4500 ft above sea level). Beans at this altitude mature more slowly, making for denser, more desirable beans.
Soft Bean: Coffee grown at low altitudes (under 4,000 ft); generally result in lighter flavor
Peaberry Beans: A typical coffee cherry contains two beans, however, some only contain one, and these beans are often separated, and sold for a higher price.
Green Coffee Beans: Raw, unprocessed coffee beans, believed to possess the power of weight-loss. See my earlier post (Magic Beans) for more details.

ROASTING:
Light Roast: No oil on surface of beans which are light cinnamon in color, also lighter in flavor, and allow flavor of origin to come through. Like popcorn, one knows a light roast is ready shortly after the "first crack" as they call it, or when the beans begin to pop open and expand (obviously not to the same extent as corn does).

Medium Roast: Very little oil, if any. Chocolatey color bean. Fuller body at expense of some acidity.

Dark Roast: Almost black, very oily beans. Low acidity, more of a smokey, charcoal kind of flavor. Once fully roasted, the beans lose all their inherent flavors.

French Roast: Essentially, double roasted, or roasted until the beans begin to smoke, well after the "second crack." Makes for a sweeter, smokier flavor.

EXTRACTION CONTRAPTIONS:
Pour-Over/Drip: One can either drip coffee in a machine, or else you can do it by hand using for example a Chemex, Melitta or V60 pour over, or one of those Costa Rican coffee drippers that come with a sac and a wooden stand, as seen to the right.
Percolator: Those cute little two-chamber stovetop espresso makers, those are percolators. They function not unlike the siphon [below], by placing the percolator on the heat source, forcing the water vapor to pass through a valve into the upper chamber. The water saturates the coffee grounds and passes back through a metal filter into the lower half.
Siphon: Anti-gravity double-chamber brewer that is heated over a burner, allowing hot water to pass through a filter into the upper chamber, which contains fresh coffee grounds, of course. After meticulous stirring and steeping, the heat source is removed, and the coffee in the upper chamber drains downward, back through the filter into the bottom. Popular amongst coffee nerds the world over.
French Press: Ironically, there is some controversy as to whether the press pot is indeed French in origin, or if the cafetiere was in fact first conceived in Italy. Either way, it's a simple idea, you just steep your coffee grinds in hot water for some time, then plunge the screen downward. Plus, if you can't afford an espresso machine, the press pot can secretly also be used to make pretty decent mock-steamed milk. All you need to do is remove the glass from the metal exterior and heat the milk up in the microwave. Once it's hot you can reassemble your press pot, and plunge it up and down a good twenty-five times, causing it to froth up and expand. (Make sure you leave yourself enough room to actually stretch your milk. Never fill it initially.)

TECHNICAL ESPRESSO MACHINE STUFF:

Portafilter: As you can see to the right, the portafilter is the part of the machine used to actually pull the shot. It is removed by the handle, twisted to the left to release from its socket.
     When not in use, the portafilter must remain in the machine to retain its heat. The slightest temperature change affects how the shot pulls, which subsequently effects the taste, so every little thing matters.
     To put the portafilter back, the barista lines up the little ears with the slots in the machine, and twists to the right to lock it. If the shot pulls and only one ear went in its slot, and the portafilter is tilted, the highly pressurized, piping hot water will erupt all over the barista, so beware. Make sure it's in nice and snug, except don't slam it in too tight or you'll wear those parts out faster, and they'll need to be replaced.
     The picture to the right is a portafilter from a La Marzocco, my first machine. Notice the little lion detail where the metal and rubber meet. So cute...
Basket: The basket that sits in the portafilter is the part that you fill with coffee, as you can see to the left. Must be popped out and cleaned, routinely throughout the day!

The Evolution of Coffee

“In an attempt to demystify the sometimes vague and pretentious world of coffee…” (Noah Sanders)

Alright, Let’s Take This One Wave at a Time...

            Coffee took off in the United States around the mid-1800s, after the tax on imports was abolished in 1832, and coffee became more available. It’s cheapness caused it to eclipse tea as America’s favorite steamy caffeinated beverage.

            The “waves” simply function to discern three distinct eras of coffee consumption across the U.S.

The First Wave

         The United States, to no one’s surprise, were first to industrialize the coffee biz. The emergence of the first so-called “coffee giants” (Maxwell House, Folger) reflects America’s inclination toward big business. Sanders describes this as “a grim time. The maxi-producers saw big money in shoveling cheap, badly flavored beans to the masses with an emphasis on getting the biggest bang for your very measly buck.” And even though it tasted like sour sludge, America was instantly hooked.

            I guess you could say the U.S. invented “crappy coffee.” Always ready to slaughter quality to save a buck or two.

The Second Wave

            After a century of tolerating this putrid bitter piss-water, America had had enough. Fussy husbands became more critical of their crappy coffee, according to the ad to the right. Wives were even spanked for selecting poor quality coffee, punished by their fussy husbands for not "taste-testing it first" according to the even more sexist ad below. Those were real advertisements by the way.

            Anyway, it all started with Alfred Peet. “Tired of terrible coffee and keen on what could come from well-roasted, well-sourced beans, Peet focused his efforts on small batches of artisanally roasted beans” (Sanders).

            This prompted Alfred to open the first Peet’s in San Francisco, 1960, subsequently inspiring the Starbucks explosion, and thus introducing the world’s two most colossal coffee chains.

            The most significant thing to take away from the second wave was the commencement of espresso drinks into American culture.

The Third Wave

            We’re in the third wave now. Once the focus shifted to “sourcing from individual farms and co-ops and a lighter roasting style that accentuates the individual flavors of the beans” (Sanders), attention to detail and the pretentiousness now often associated with coffee skyrocketed. People care where their beans come from, which farm, which roaster, etc. People care about the quality. They care to use a particular type of milk, and prefer a particular foam-to-milk ratio, they get way too serious about their sweetener, and demand ridiculous modifications, such as I’ll have mine three-quarters decaf, please. Bitch, Ima caffeinate your ass straight back to Brighton, or wherever the hell you came from.

            Thus were born the inevitable coffee snobs—they come with every beverage. You know those douchy assholes who can detect notes of this and that in their wine, down to where the goddamn grapes were grown. Well, so is now the case with coffee, whose “beans are [now] discussed like expensive bottles of wine” (Sanders).

            Some “Local third-wavers include Sightglass, Ritual, Four Barrel, and Verve. If you've consumed a cup of any of these roasters, you've indulged in the glistening existence of third wave coffee” (Sanders).

The Fourth Wave

            Whether or not the fourth wave is upon us is unclear. Some coffee shops claim to have made the transition, but the fourth wave has yet to be defined, and as far as I’m concerned it’s a bunch of bullshit.

SOURCES:

Sanders, Noah. “Dear Coffee,” SF Weekly Blogs. Web. 26 Dec. 2011.

http://blogs.sfweekly.com/foodie/2011/12/dear_coffee_what_are_these_wav.php  

Got Milk?

    My favorite thing used to be stocking milk. I used carry ten milks at once, without a milk crate, it was amazing. I mean I dropped one every now and then and had to deal with the occasional cracked upside-down carton of milk as a result, but no worries. I can't stand those girls who run to the back to get one or two milks. Those women are WEAK. Possibly because they never drank enough milk in the first place, but I did, and I now have bones of steal.
     I think my love of milk made for easier steaming... helped me understand the milk, how to keep the foam fine and creamy. I don't know if liking milk really makes a difference, but I like to think it does, because like I said I love the stuff.
     Anyway, every now and then I'd run to the walk-in to pick up the milk and we'd have a "barista half and half"from Straus Family Creamery. I always wondered why, of all the milks to order in "barista" form, why on earth we ordered a half and half, because we had about one breve a week and the rest was just to top off people's coffees. Plus our regular milk seemed to steam just fine to me, so why the sudden switch to this barista brand?
     I mean except for soy milk which always clumps and bubbles and burns. I'm pretty sure soy milk isn't really meant to be steamed. We used Wildwood, which worked okay sometimes, on a good day, if shaken extremely well. Silk didn't steam as well as Wildwood from my experience, but either way, I am yet to find a soy milk that steams to my satisfaction. So it occurred to me, why didn't we ever try some "barista soy milk?"
     So I took a stroll onto the Straus Family Creamery website to get a better idea of what makes barista milk barista milk in the first place. According to the website, Straus determined the perfect level of homogenization: "We homogenize our Barista milk only very lightly – just enough to keep it emulsified, but not so much as to drastically change the taste or digestibility of our milk." (Emulsify means to mix or disperse evenly.) This makes for "consistent, easy-to-use milk (no cream separates or rises to the top), that also retains a sweet, well-rounded taste and lasting finish... It is also prized by baristas for creating small, tight bubbles in the foam when steamed for coffee drinks." Which sounds great, don't get me wrong, but only applies to cow's milk.
     Although some cafes swear by Straus, they only deal in actual dairy, so I decided to dig a little deeper. My mission to track down steamable soy was a success. Behold: Soy Milk, Barista Series by Esselon Coffee: "Specially formulated to be used in espresso based drinks. Made to withstand high temperatures and foam so beautifully, you’ll think you’re using dairy milk!" Now all I need is a steamer to test the stuff... Can anyone vouch for Esselon? Anyway, try it and let me know--post a comment below.

Barista Fingers

     It's amazing. Since I've stopped making coffee, my nails have gotten ridiculously long. See? That's really me in the picture, and those are my real nails. Less than a month, man, that's all it took.

     I'm messing with you, those are just internet nails. Mine are only like half as long as that.

     But seriously. How do these people do basic tasks? If you can't pick up a fork to eat your food, either you've gotta just dip your face in your dinner or get somebody else to feed you. You couldn't dress or undress on your own. You wouldn't be able to go to the bathroom alone. Honestly, that's where I'd draw the line. Plus they'd be heavy, and in the way, and a hazard in the bedroom, and extremely painful if they got caught on anything, which is more than likely considering their size.

     Anyway... I'm thinking now that I've got my nails back, (claws, more like--I feel like Cruella Deville) maybe I'll do something with them. Like paint them, I mean, not set a new Guinness World Record, don't worry.

     Imagine being a writer with extremely long nails. You couldn't type or hold a pencil. But maybe you could dip the tips of your nails in ink like a quill, and drag them across the paper to try and form letters...? Who knows.

     I certainly don't intend to find out. Instead I'll paint up my nails real nice and Instagram a picture of me holding a cup of Starbucks for you guys. Like this one.

     But in all seriousness, I miss my corpsified barista fingers... We used to level the shots with our fingers, so as the coffee collected in my festering barista wounds, coffee brewed in my skin for my whole 8-hour shift. No amount of hand-washing could clean them completely, leaving my hands smelling deliciously of espresso the rest of the day.

Latte Leaf Tattoo?

     Alright you guys, don't be shy. You can comment. Please do, in fact I have a question for you, yes--You! You've been chosen!
     And your mission?
     Help me decide where the hell I ought to get my next tattoo: I'm thinking a latte leaf, creamy and espresso colors and fade into my skin tones kinda thing. Awesome right? Except, I have a compass on the back of my neck/upper back, and I'm not trying to get a tramp stamp, so probably just try to avoid my back altogether. That's my only condition. So... any ideas?
     Please please please! Interact with me, mystery internet users! Give me some goddamn ideas. That is all I ask.
     You can check out my little google barista icon, kinda what I'm talking about. Okay, sudden, possibly terrible idea... are you ready?
     Latte leaf quill, and ink, because it looks like a feather, sort of. Cute? Stupid?
     Input guys, I need input. I'm lost. I even briefly thought of adding a latte leaf to either side of my compass to extend like wings across my shoulders. Stupid, right? Or is it? I'm really asking.

Starbucks Groupies

    You know those girls who are always inexplicably instagramming pictures of their Starbucks beverages and uploading them to facebook? Worse yet, others feel the need to post replies and like the post, and declare how desperate they suddenly are for a Frappuccino. Why on earth should your beverage be anybody's business? But it's very big news, apparently. Of such importance, in fact, that some of these girls adorn their fingernails in matching Starbucks-colored polish.

      I call these girls Starbucks Groupies. You know who I'm talking about. It's the same girls who wear short shorts in the dead of winter, and sunglasses in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.

     You see, it's this phase girls go through in high school, when they first discover how grown up it feels to drink coffee, and the importance of consuming excessive amounts of caffeine.

     Starbucks has become a right of passage for these girls. A fallback identity if you can't figure out how to form your own. It's easy. Just swap out your wardrobe for a bunch of grungy thrifty shit. Wear plenty of scarves and beanies. Instagram everything. Chew way too much gum. Listen to some whiney indie music and you're set! America's Next Top Starbucks Groupie!

Belated New Years Resolution

    Alright, it's time to buckle down. I quit my job just before Christmas, retired from the coffee biz to "focus on my writing," whatever that means. Until yesterday it meant sleeping in--because I can, finally getting up around 8 or 8:30, cleaning, doing laundry and getting coffee with my mom. I've been lazy, I'm not gonna lie.
    By the way, if 8:30 doesn't sound like sleeping in it's because you are not or have never been a barista. I opened 6am, five days a week for two whole years. My boyfriend has it even worse--shift starts 4:30am to open the meat department at Whole Foods (which is why I am writing this at 4:02 in the morning). Anyway, he's the only reason I was able to quit my job to take this little writing vacation in the first place.
     I've resolved (twelve days too late... no matter) not to take any more advantage of my time off, and my hard-working meat-cutting persevering boyfriend. I am going to do so by syncing up our "shifts," so if he starts at 4:30am, so do I.
     Usually by now I'd be hitting the weed, trying to force myself back to sleep for a few hours. I get stuck in this awkward limbo between 4 and 5, finally back to sleep by six, for maybe one good solid hour, and then a bunch of broken up semi-sleep until 8ish, and then a groggy fruitless rest of the day. Even worse, every time my head hits the pillow it becomes abuzz with ideas, and things I want to write down or remember for later, but my arms are too lazy, and I'm too cozy to care.
     But I forgot the one thing Americans can always count on when they're caught in that awkward limbo in-between state, half-asleep half-awake: coffee! Perfect! And lucky for me I salvaged a five pound bag of espresso beans on my last day at La Bou that arrived already open and we couldn't use or sell. Thank you, Equator, for your poor packaging.
     Unfortunately, the only grinder I have is this ancient wooden box, I gotta grind the beans by hand, and there's no drawer to catch the grinds, so I put a tiny saucer to catch them instead. About a third of the grounds make it onto said saucer. It's really quite the ordeal, but worth it. I've still gotta get my fix.

     Alright. Coffee is ready, and so am I! Here goes nothing.
     So I've decided, in efforts to become a more efficient useful person, I ought to apply my barista skills to my home life. I mean I already do this to some extent--always collapse the plastic milk containers to save space in the recycling, for instance. Although this is much more fun with a steamer, so when you collapse the milk container a cloud of steam escapes, like a facial.
     But collapsing milk isn't the only skill I perfected in the coffee biz. In fact, my work ethic was better at the bakery in a lot of ways. I was very timely, cranking out lattes in less than a minute, a master multi-tasker, but when it comes to my writing, it's a miracle if I get a single assignment in on time, or at all for that matter. I was blessed with easy teachers, lucky for me. Dakota, I'm missing three quarters of your portfolio... but I bet if you did it, it would have been good. I'll just give you a B. (That may have been slightly oversimplified.)
     I was always an avid procrastinator. Well that's less the case now than it used to be. Getting paid helps, even if it is only ten bucks a pop. New Years Sub-Resolution: Be as timely with your writing as you were with making coffee.
     Last Sub-Resolution: Be as CONFIDENT about your writing as you were about your coffee.
     I must say, if I had one major flaw when it came to making coffee it was my lack of modesty. I was good, and I made sure everyone knew it --I can make coffee better than you! and I can, unless you're some award-winning world-class barista.
     He would hate it if he knew I had him all over my blog, but I'm going to tell you something my boyfriend told me. I was telling Oscar (my love, life coach, inspiration, father of our two kittens...) that the short story contest I entered in September should have a winner soon, but that it probably wasn't me, and he said, "No! You can win. Say it. I want to hear you say it. I want you to talk about your writing like you talk about your coffee. So you can pour a latte better than anyone else? So what. You're a writer. You better brag at least as bad about your writing as you did about your coffee."
     Totally true, what he said, and it applies to you too. Baristas of the world, ask yourself this: Is this really what you want out of life? Is this really all you ever aspired to be? Because don't get me wrong, making coffee is awesome, but it tends to attract the artistic types, who have potential to be so much more--musician, artist, travel journalist... So don't get stuck behind the espresso machine. Don't let a latte leaf be all you have to show for yourself. I mean, unless making coffee is your lifelong dream.
P.S. I found a relic of my boastful-barista-ness. I used to make these lists, just to remind myself everything I still needed to stock/clean/do and tape them up on the hopper. As you can see, the final item on the list is "Be the best barista ever," and as you can see it has indeed been thoroughly crossed off.
     So, as of today, January 12th, 2013, I resolve to be the best creative-writer ever.

Yelp-ocalypse

             The internet is becoming a problem. Take Yelp, for instance: It's a bad review, not a suicide note. Tell me how your sandwich was, not how it made you feel. And then people complain, after insisting on ordering the most revolting item on the menu, going on about how utterly appalled at how dry and overpriced their artichoke heart and caper sandwich was. Of course it was. It's your own fault for ordering the damn thing.

            And who the hell has that kind of time anyway? Get a goddamn diary. Better yet, get a blog. People are over here on Yelp telling us how they were feeling a little down lately cos this and that about their boyfriend, but why are you even explaining yourself? People go on Yelp to figure out where to eat, not to hear about your day. You don't need an excuse to go out and eat. You're a human. You require food.

            Why isn't there a website where you can review your customers? I mean really. We're the ones busting our asses trying to heat up eveyone's morning buns just right. And you yelpers are all, "I said I wanted a bone-dry cappuccino, I'm lactose intolerant..." Well what are you doing ordering a drink made of milk? I hope you get diarrhea. I really do. Honestly, Ma'am, if all you're going to do is bitch, go home and make your own goddamn coffee...

...Using one of the fine coffee makers below!

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