Friday, January 4, 2013


             The internet is becoming a problem. Take Yelp, for instance: It's a bad review, not a suicide note. Tell me how your sandwich was, not how it made you feel. And then people complain, after insisting on ordering the most revolting item on the menu, going on about how utterly appalled at how dry and overpriced their artichoke heart and caper sandwich was. Of course it was. It's your own fault for ordering the damn thing.

            And who the hell has that kind of time anyway? Get a goddamn diary. Better yet, get a blog. People are over here on Yelp telling us how they were feeling a little down lately cos this and that about their boyfriend, but why are you even explaining yourself? People go on Yelp to figure out where to eat, not to hear about your day. You don't need an excuse to go out and eat. You're a human. You require food.
            Why isn't there a website where you can review your customers? I mean really. We're the ones busting our asses trying to heat up eveyone's morning buns just right. And you yelpers are all, "I said I wanted a bone-dry cappuccino, I'm lactose intolerant..." Well what are you doing ordering a drink made of milk? I hope you get diarrhea. I really do. Honestly, Ma'am, if all you're going to do is bitch, go home and make your own goddamn coffee...
...Using one of the fine coffee makers below!

Leave a comment with your best if-you-could-yelp-your-customers story below.

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